Striking a balance

I'm beginning to feel a little worried. I started this blog as a way to keep track of what has been going on the last 12 months. I suppose that my genetic pre-disposition to forget important happenings was the major "prompting" factor. But when I re-read my posts, I begin to worry that I'm being too dry and ....... factual. My goodness, if anyone besides myself and an obligatory relative read this, well, when I look back at my posts, I pick up on some major, yawn factor (shall I say?)

So perhaps today would be a good time to ramble about deep things, like the meaning of life and whatnot. So here goes!!

Some days, I think of myself as an artist. I spend the day at the studio, and I'm on the wheel, feeling as if I'm "in the zone" cranking out work like nobody's business. (Well, not as fast as some production potters I've had the pleasure of knowing, but at a pretty good clip for me.)

I enjoyed eavesdropping on a make-up class one day being taught by one of the instructors at the studio. After seeing the work being produced by her students and hearing some of her class lectures, I wish I had signed up to take her class this session instead of the one I did. But of course, then I wouldn't have been able to continue focusing on my decorating skills. There aren't enough hours in the day.

What I liked about this instructor's teaching was the critiques she conducted with her students. The way she talked about their work was extremely positive but somehow she managed to make suggestions about something they could do that would make the piece more interesting, or improve its design. I've been trying to do that on my own, but sometimes it's nice to have input from an impartial observer; someone who doesn't have the blood, sweat, and tears, invested in a piece that might taint my view of it. This instructor seems to be able to do that without devastating the person who put that blood, sweat, and tears into the piece of work. That is an admirable skill.

Of course I still have to spend time doing the real "job" that we came down here for - which unfortunately consists of the mundane type of chores I filled my time with the first 20 years of my marriage. Those years consisted of cleaning toilets (and behinds) and chasing dust around the house. I don't regret keeping my focus on "maintaining a home" during those years, as a matter of fact, when I look back on it, there's little I would change. However, I don't want that to be my focus now. Especially when the home I'm "keeping" is a rental unit on a campgrounds.

Fortunately, our decision to come down here during the winter meant that I actually did have enough free time on my hands to spend time at the studio attempting to perfect my ceramics skills.

I still find that I think of myself as more of a crafts person than an artist. I don't feel like my work is making any kind of statement, and I'm not sure I want it to. I like producing something that serves a specific function. (Obviously a painting or sculpture serves a function. It's decorating a wall or floor space, and sometimes also making some sort of social or political statement.) But I think that's what I like about pottery. Aside from liking the 3-dimensional characteristics of it, I like the fact that it's often something that a person might use on a daily basis.

I was telling a friend of mine about Andy Goldsworthy, He's an "environmental" artist who utilizes things in the natural environment to produce works of art. If you're not familiar with him, watch some of the videos posted on youtube. He is completely obsessed with the process of producing his art. I get the impression that it's more important to him than any of life's typical neccessities, like food, water, companionship, etc.

I don't feel as though I'm DRIVEN to produce pottery or art, it's just something I enjoy doing. (I suppose sometimes my husband thinks I'm obsessed with it, but I could spend many more hours on it than I do.) I've done it sporadically to put it mildly, over the years, with stretches lasting days, months, even years, of not even getting my hands muddy. Looking back, I can't say I would do it differently.

I know it sounds archaic, but I can't think of any career or job that would have been any more meaningful to me than taking care of my family was. Of course we had years where we struggled financially and I contributed by finding part-time jobs waiting tables or cleaning dog kennels or horse stalls. I can't say I regret doing any of that either. Well, the only thing I might regret is that it made life a little more hectic. I wish I could have enjoyed and observed many more moments of the kids' "growing up" years, but it was probably good that I had to learn how to budget my time. I had to prioritize what was important.

Having several close friends and relatives pass away in a fairly short time period also forced me to re-prioritize what really mattered to me. It turns out that relationships and the time spent developing them, is the one thing that I think I will regret not spending more time on.

The pottery is fulfilling and enjoyable and I don't think I'd ever completely give it up, but I also don't see a reason to ever let it completely engulf my life. I hope that somewhere along the way I've learned to strike a balance.

I think that some of the current economic problems (and I hate talking politics) are actually a result of the breakdown of traditional family roles. YIKES!! Now that's something I would not have want to admitted 25 years ago!! But it seems as though it's become too commonplace for people to rely on 2 incomes and base their mortgage, car payments, and credit card debt on the dependence of 2 incomes. When one of those incomes suddenly disappears, that can cause major financial problems.

I also have always believed that if many women would be surprised if they calculated all the expenses that come with a career (and I'm only considering the financial expenses now, not the emotional expenses that come as part of it) I think it would be shocking how little income is produced by most full-time jobs, unless a woman is a doctor or lawyer, or owns a large, successful business.

When one figures in the cost of child-care, travel expenses, clothing for the job, and convenience meals, it's surprising how little is left from that paycheck for the work that went into producing it! I guess that it never really seemed worthwhile to me to work full-time. Of course I didn't have the education or experience to make it a difficult decision. It might have been more tempting to pursue a career outside the home if I could've made $40,000 a year. Or $140,000. I dunno, I like to think I would've still made raising my family my priority.

I know that many of my female friends would NOT want to return to the era where women were expected to stay home and cook and clean and raise the children, but part of me wonders if in some ways it might have been a relief to have the roles and expectations so clear. Part of me is glad that women have achieved more "equality" with men, especially in the workplace. I just wish that along the way we hadn't trivialized the importance of raising our children and creating a pleasant home environment. At least for those of us who chose to focus on that.

I guess I've started thinking about it more since my daughter is about to give birth. I think that she and her husband are going to make good decisions about what they need to focus on. I just wonder about other members of their generation who take it for granted that their children will go into daycare as quickly as possible.

Part of me understands why a woman doesn't want to lose her identity to her children, but another part of me thinks that mothers and fathers both should be a little more concerned about who, or what, is influencing their children, whether it's a baby-sitter, a day-care worker, a teacher, a playmate, the TV, or the X-box.

And how I managed to arrive at this topic when I started out talking about art and pottery is beyond me!! I believe this post has been a complete rambling rant!! Well, haven't had one for awhile, guess I'm entitled. Oh!! Entitlement - now there's a whole new topic to rant about. On another day!!